IMAGE OF THE DAY

[No Pic For You!]

Friday, May 28, 2004

Dead Weasel Road

Detailed maps of Springfield, home of the Simpsons.

21 percent oxygen

MSN Slate - Steve Featherstone -
"...I e-mailed my wife and told her about our troubles. She passed the news to my mother, and my mother did what any worried mother would do if her son were marooned on Mars: She baked five dozen cookies and FedEx'd them overnight..."

Another funny story about the Mars Society experiment in Utah.

Damn, dat movie BAD!

Apparently the film "Gigli", starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, is a must see for audiences who love movies that can only be described as "terrible". The film is being promoted as "a really bad movie".

Build them and they will come...

When asked to comment on reports that 2.1 million Americans, including 1 in every 75 men, are in prison, Attorney General John Ashcroft said "You ain't seen nothin yet! Four more years!" Ashcroft responded to questions about the 14:1 ratio of men to women in American prisons by admitting there is a problem... "The Clinton administration left a huge deficit in female prisoners. This administration is working hard to overcome that handicap... in fact we have increased the number of women in prison by 5% in each of the last few years." Ashcroft denied that reports of lower crime rates are due to changes in reporting standards and data collection techniques rather an actual decrease in crime and instead insisted "See, the logic is simple, as we put more people in jail there are fewer people on the street, thus there are fewer potential criminals. We are in an age of proactive law enforcement. We can't afford to wait for people to commit crimes, we have to take them into custody NOW!"

Thursday, May 27, 2004

When a petri dish is just a petri dish

Art professor Steve Kurtz caught in web cast by anti terror efforts.

No Tip for You!

Authorities in Portsmouth N.H. will starting offering 'Booze Bounties' for pizza delivery persons who offer tips on underage parties in hotels and private homes. Perhaps members of the Free State Project should reconsider making N.H. their new home. RSR recommends skipping the pizza and having tasty Reuben sandwiches.

No Parking!

Government workers in England moved a car from a parking spot, painted no parking lines around the spot and then moved the car back into the spot. Subsequently the car was ticketed for being parked in a no parking zone.

Army of One

The Bush administration is keeping the US Army so busy these days that the service may be required to live up to the motto "Army of One" in unexpected ways. Reports are that as the wars in Iraq and Afganistan rage on the Army is running out of ammunition. Secretary of Defense Donald "Soon To Be Fired" Rumsfeld has suggested that the problem be solved by only issuing each soldier 1 magazine of ammuntion per tour of duty. The secretary said "The American war fighter is resiliant and resourceful. Thirty bullets should be enough to get any motived soldier through his or her tour of duty. Pick your targets carefully gentlemen!"

"According to a requisition last week by the Army Field Support Command, the service will need 300m to 500m more bullets a year for at least five years, or more than 1.5m a year for combat and training. And because the single army-owned, small-calibre ammunition factory in Lake City, Missouri, can produce only 1.2m bullets annually, the army is suddenly scrambling to get private defence contractors to help fill the gap."
- http://news.ft.com

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

origami

Just what the world needs, a robot that can do origami.

Hard Time

Prisoners in the UK are breaking out of jail to escape the drug scene.

A world record

Some guy in Briton is going for a world record by watching TV for 50 hours straight. The rules allow for having Reuben sandwiches delivered to his sofa.

"My parents always told me that watching TV would get me nowhere, now it's my chance to prove them wrong."

Legal at birth?

Does using 21 year old sperm to create a baby boy mean he can legally drink at birth?

MAD

Remember the good old days of the cold war when the Mutual Assured Destruction (MAD) doctrine kept the peace between the US and the USSR? Some French guy thinks MAD will work in the middle east. All we have to do is give the Arabs some WMDs, sit back and wait for peace to break out. Ummm, sorry, but MAD only works if neither side is willing to use their nukes.

Friday, May 21, 2004

"Those of you whose teeth have fallen out did not gnaw on bones"

This is a joke, right?

Saparmurat Niyazov, dictator of Turkmenistan, has banned gold teeth and...
" is infamous for declaring July 10 a public holiday in honour of melons - one of the country's main exports - and April 27, Horse Day. He has banned beards because of his suspicion of Islamic fundamentalists and ballet because he deems it unnecessary. Circuses are also prohibited.

He renamed January after himself, and April after his late mother, Gurbansoltanedzhe, who is also portrayed as Justice in a statue outside the Orwellian "Ministry of Fairness"."

More about Saparmurat Niyazov

Casinos wince as elderly tricked

Elderly people in Japan are being tricked into sending money to strangers by callers claiming to be a son or grandson.

"Usually, the caller claims that he has caused a car accident or is in debt to gangsters who are going to kill him or needs to pay off a girl he has made pregnant."

Casino owners in Japan are calling on police to hunt down the fraudsters for taking advantage of the elderly.

Olympic "water boarding"

The Internation Red Cross is asking the Bush administration to provide access to all detainees seized in the "War on Terror". In a stunning non-reversal of it's policy of not admitting anything the administration is refusing to confirm or deny that there may or may not be large or small numbers of prisoners or guests held at zero or more locations around the world. The American government also refused to comment on rumors that persons in US custody are training for the first ever Olympic "water boarding" competitions.

Get out the vote

The strip club industry is organizing a voter registration drive. The owners of the clubs are fearful of what another four years of the Bush administration will do to their business.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

You don't own me, masturbation!

A couple of guys have created a web site titled XXXChurch...

From Wired Mag-
"which advertises itself as the No. 1 Christian porn site -- features downloadable bible studies, a virtual prayer wall and free software that records sites visited by Internet users and sends the log to a third party. There is also plenty of practical advice. Here's what the pastors recommend instead of self-gratification:

"Remain calm and tell yourself, 'You don't own me, masturbation! I'm taking my life back!' (or something of that nature). If that doesn't work, you can pursue alternatives like chewing gum, blasting John Lennon's song 'Cold Turkey,' eating chocolate or whatever helps you best (not masturbation)." "

Wired Mag - XXXchurch Story

Free Tommy Chong

Remember Cheech & Chong? Well, Chong is in jail for selling glass tubes & such. Here is a web site dedicated to telling his story.

Wishful thinking

A group of "rocket scientists" think they can build a fleet of robots capable of deflecting asteroids that threaten the Earth. These are probably the people responsible for the Ford Pinto. Guess what guys... when you can build a car where the bumper doesn't fall off after 20,000 miles we will consider giving you billions of dollars for a fleet of robots.

An alternate solution to the asteroid problem is to get everyone together to hold hands and sing "we are the world". RSR's solution is to stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye.

That really narrows it down...

A new computer system named "Matrix" has come up with the names of 120,000 possible terrorists. The FBI should be posting help wanted ads in the near future.

Matrix

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

thermodynamics exam

RSR Humor

>Here's one for the science & engineering types...
> A TRUE STORY
> A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his students.
> It had one question:  "Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?  Support your answer with a proof."
> Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyleis Law or
some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not
leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving.
> As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are
not a memeber of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion we can project that all people, and all souls, go to hell.  With
birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.
> Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell.  Boyleis Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
> #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until
all hell breaks loose.
> #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
> So which is it?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan
during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep
with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is
exothermic.
> The student got the only A.

“Osama Bin Laden is a pussy.”

This is "ha ha" funny. “Osama Bin Laden is a pussy.”

courts-martial history

In WWII there were 2 million courts-martials, almost one for every eight Americans who served in the war.

Pvt. Edward Slovik was the only American soldier executed for desertion in WWII.

In 1971 Army Lt. William Calley went before a courts-martial for the massacre of Vietnamese civilians in My Lai.

CNN report

Good luck with that

US Army Staff Sgt. Camilo Mejia, 28, went AWOL and is seeking conscientious objector status after serving in Iraq.

Commenting on some of his duties in Iraq...
"prisoners were kept awake for up to 48 hours at a time...When these techniques failed, we would bang on the wall with a huge sledgehammer ... or load a 9 mm pistol next to their ear...The way we treated these men was hard even for the soldiers, especially after realizing that many of these `combatants' were no more than shepherds."

Mejia is facing jail and a dishonorable discharge.

Talking toilet

Leave it to the Germans to invent a toilet that talks. Apparently German men are no longer allowed to piss standing up.

Progress in the war on fun

Downtown Iowa City, IA is starting to fold under relentless pressure from the city council and police. "Local" activists, backed by the prohibitionist Robert Wood Foundation, are succeeding in their war on fun that will probably continue until the city is "dry". A Press-Citizen report says city icons The Union and Fitzpatrick's are calling it quits due to legal problems related to increased enforcement of alcohol laws. Several other bars in the city, including alumni favorite the Airliner, are facing similar issues. Residents are left wondering what will happen to the downtown when its economic anchor, the bars catering to college students, close in large numbers. City leaders, weary of taxes related to the profitable nightlife, are sure the downtown will survive on over priced coffee, book stores and shoe shops. Mean while, entrepreneurs are planning to bus students and their money to bars outside the city limits.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Europe sleeps on the job

A survey of Europeans shows they are sleeping on the job, or in some cases on the "john". Almost 1 in 4 say they have spent time at work checking for pin holes in their eye lids. In addition to sleeping on the job Europeans enjoy mandatory four week vacations, free health care, virtually unlimited unemployment, four day work weeks, early retirement, useful public transportation, publicly funded child-care and a variety of other social services designed to provide cradle to grave bliss. Oh yeah, the autobahn kicks ass too.

Need a laugh? Check out RSR Humor!

The RSR Humor section is now available via the "Featured" links. New jokes will be posted whenever the RSR staff is in the mood. RSR does not recommend drinking milk while enjoying the humor section.

Recipe for murder

A Georgia woman has been found guilty of murder for killing her husband by feeding him antifreeze. She might have gotten away with the crime if she had not murdered another man using the same technique six years after her husband's death. Apparently medical examiners noticed that both men, in their early 30s and in good health, died under similar circumstances with no apparent cause.

RSR does not suggest adding antifreeze to any Reuben recipe.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Man better off eating Reuben

A Bloomington Indiana man ended up in a hospital after sauteing cicadas in butter with crushed garlic and basil. The man had an allergic reaction after feasting on 30 of the "Brood X cicadas" who "after living underground for 17 years and feeding on tree roots"..." are emerging by the billions across the Eastern U.S." - www.newsday.com

Cicada recipes can be found at www.urhome.umd.edu/newsdesk/pdf/cicada%20recipes.PDF

People with food allergies might want to stick to Reuben sandwiches.

$1000 omelet

Norma's restaurant in Le Parker Meridien hotel on West 57th Street is offering a $1000 omelet which includes lobster and $65 an ounce caviar. RSR recommends having a $10 Rueben and spending the other $990 on cocktails.

Sosa injured

Cubs hero Sosa injured his back while sneezing. No word on when he will be up to playing again. On Monday morning there have been reports of thousands of his fans taking a sick day from work because of "headaches" and "dehydration".

You know you are a drunk when...

"You won’t rent an apartment that doesn’t have a bar and liquor store within two blocks."
"You get nervous when there are only three bottles of liquor left in your house. "
"You forget how pants work. "
- MDM

more at MDM

Chess anyone?

Has anyone tried one of these online chess games? Example: Chess Maniac Might be a nice diversion from work.

Friday, May 14, 2004

IPOD vs. DMCA

It turns out that if more members of congress owned IPODS the 1998 DMCA may not have passed. Apparently Rep. John Doolittle found out the hard way the DMCA hinders his ability to jam out with his IPOD. He is now pressuring his peers to water down the law and bring back the concept of "fair use".

X-prize boosts first private spacecraft

A CNN report says X-prize competitor Scaled Composites had a successful test flight. Apparently this is the first time a private company has put an human into space. Fans of the "Lord of the Rings" series are pumped because in a few decades 90 minute flights to Middle Earth should become a reality.

Paul Bremer denies US will crash Iraqi party

When asked if US military forces will remain in Iraq if they are asked to leave puppet master Paul Bremer put his hand in his pocket, crossed his fingers and said with a straight face "I don't think that will happen, but obviously we don't stay in countries where we're not welcome." He went on to add "700+ American dead, thousands of American wounded, daily mortar attacks and road side bombs aside, I believe the Iraqi people are glad we are here. Besides, I wouldn't miss the party on June 30 for anything. I hear the fireworks are going to be killer!"

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Will Work For Fun

People are now paying to go on vacations where they are given the opportunity to work. The idea is you work to earn money and vacation time, then spend it all learning how to do a "dream job" such as wine making, running a hotel, etc.. Is porn star available?

Vocation Vacations website
CNN story - Vocation Vacations

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Online Economics

Great reading about the "online" economy emerging in popular video games.

Online Economy

Don Emilio Fulci

Reason reports the government has expanded the war on terrorism to include fictional characters from popular video games.

Threat matrix

Zen and Wisdom of Life

- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.

- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

- Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

Get a room you two!

The new Swatch media campaign, BunnySutra, has brought the steamy world of bunny love out of the shadows and into the spot light. No doubt the Bush FCC will declare this an outrage and somehow dipict bunny love as an assault on American's children.

www.local6.com/news/3289411/detail.html

Meanwhile American's porn warriors have returned to work after a brief period of abstinence brought about by an AIDS scare in the industry.

We are not alone!

Finally some absolute proof that we are not alone in the universe. The crew of a Mexican airforce plane has reported being surrounded by a gaggle of UFOs. "We are not alone! This is so weird," said one crew member. An airforce general denied the crew was "sloshed" at the time of the incident, "They had a preflight dinner of Reuben sandwiches and three shots of tequila. This is standard procedure in our organization."

http://www.reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=scienceNews&storyID=5109891

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Less for More...

McDonald's is offering an "Adult Happy Meal" and advice on how to stay healthy. "Our research shows Americans will be happy to pay $1-$2 more for a salad & water than they do for our normal meal deals which include a sandwich, fries and a choice of beverages. This is the age of selling less for more... and these fat asses are buying it!" quipped P. Reuben, a company VP. "We are even throwing in a 'step counter' device to help remind our customers how much of their life is spent in an office, chained to a desk. If that doesn't get them depressed and make them drown their sorrows in food I don't know what will."

McDonald's stock is down 48% since the 9th circuit ruled against the corporation's bid to patent the Reuben sandwich.

http://money.cnn.com/2004/05/11/news/fortune500/mcdonalds_happymeal/index.htm?cnn=yes

Point Drive For Bush...

(KS) Local Republicans have launched a campaign to collect "points" for President Bush in an attempt to slow his slide in recent polls(see story below). "The man is busy running the country into the ground. We can't expect him to spend time keeping the liberal media happy." Concerned citizens are encouraged to donate as many "bonus" and "brownie" points as possible.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politicselections/nation/polls/2004-05-10-bush-poll_x.htm)

Ouch!!

WARSAW (Reuters) - A sexually excited stallion bit a Polish man to death when he tried to calm the beast, which had become uncontrollably aroused by a nearby mare, police said.
- Yahoo.com

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=583&ncid=583&e=1&u=/nm/20040510/od_nm/poland_horse_dc

McDonalds Patent On Reuben Overturned!!!

(UPI) The 9th circuit has denied McDonalds Corp. a patent on the Reuben sandwich. In a unanimous decision the court said McDonalds has no legal right to the sandwich because, in the words of the Chief justice, "those morons can't even spell Reuben correctly!".

Monday, May 10, 2004

Vegan / Veggie Reuben Recipe

Vegan/Vedggie Lunch Sandwich

Ingredients (use vegan versions):

2 oz. firm tofu slice
sauerkraut (to taste)
1/2 teaspoon caraway seeds
salt and pepper to taste
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/4 teaspoon red pepper powder
scallions or onions to garnish
very optional: drizzle with some low-fat dressing of your choice
2 slices of whole grain or gluten free vegan bread (toasted)
Directions:
Heat oil and grill tofu in it till golden on both sides. Put aside.

In the same pan grill caraway seeds until the flavor comes out. Add sauerkraut and saute for 3 min. Add spices, stir and remove from heat.

Spread sauerkraut on toasted vegan bread slice. Top with tofu, onions and tomato. Add dressing if you wish and top with other vegan bread slice.

Enjoy.

Serves: 1

Preparation time: 10 min

Thanks to http://vegweb.com/food/sandwich/5790.shtml

Reuben Burger

Reuben burger recipe (copyrighted, so follow the link)

http://www.recipesource.com/main-dishes/burgers/00/rec0006.html

Wesley Crusher sucks

That little twerp Wesley Crusher didn't die with SNG. It figures the most annoying character from the series is the only one still kicking.

"Wil Wheaton, the baby faced actor who played the whiney, eternally pubescent Wesley Crusher on ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation.’ Wheaton"
- MND

See http://cgi.fark.com, May 6 2004. Not verified, but apparently Wil advocates beating up guys that can't pay their bills. Please... let the little Farker choke on a Reuben and leave us in peace.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Quit buying F#%*ing music!

If consumers would quit buying music and movies for a few months the big labels and studios might lower prices. Instead the sheep continue to charge willingly to the slaughter raising the prospect of even higher prices. Anyone want to pay top $$ to view the Reuben Sandwich Review? Leave your bank account information if you have extra cash burning a hole in your pocket.

http://www.wired.com/news/digiwood/0,1412,63332,00.html